SAD! No One Showed Up at Trump's Birthday Party

On Saturday, President Donald Trump had his long-coveted, costly, self-fellating birthday military parade. The White House says a quarter million people showed up, but one savvy Redditor proved the number was somewhere " around 50,000 on the generous side, but could be as little as 30,000."

Allegedly, the parade was meant to honor the U.S. Army’s 250th birthday - in reality, the event was just one part of the Trump administration’s vast, billion-dollar government effort to make our dear, great leader feel good about himself.

“We’re the hottest country in the world right now,” Trump said of America, as if it were a failing nightclub and he was our skeevy promoter. “Our country will soon be greater and stronger than ever before.” He said America is “blessed beyond words by this valued legion of army warriors.”

The most abhorrent part of this, other than the tax dollars that could have been spent on the VA instead of this sh*t, was the CORPORATE SPONSORSHIPS. “Special thanks to our sponsor Lockheed Martin,” the MC said around 6:30 p.m., shouting out America’s biggest defense contractor. The MC later thanked “our special sponsor, Coinbase,” the cryptocurrency exchange. Yes, THAT Coinbase, the sketchy crypto money laundering site.

Around 7 p.m., the big screens onstage that displayed the American flags turned to logos for UFC, and later the MC thanked “special sponsor Palantir,” a contractor hired to help Trump compile data on Americans across federal agencies.

Military handed out drinks from sponsor Phorm Energy — a new beverage by Anheuser-Busch and UFC CEO Dana White, in the flavor Screamin’ Freedom.

For an event that shut down so much of Washington D.C., it didn’t exactly draw out legions of his fans. In fact, the crowd of supporters BARELY managed to fill out their allotted side of the street over several blocks in front of the White House, with plenty of room to spare.

In front of the central stage, a crowd befitting a midsize concert gathered in view of Jumbotrons. The lawns surrounding the Washington Monument — which have hosted countless inaugurations, protests, concerts, and gatherings — were largely unused overflow space.

Meanwhile, in cooler and better news, 2,000 locations across the country, protesters held a “No Kings” Day to voice their anger toward the president. About 20,000 people gathered in downtown Los Angeles ALONE, undeterred by law enforcement’s use of weapons and the president’s escalation by sending in troops.